I’m going to try something. I’m going to start blogging again. I miss my blog that I had for over a decade. I miss writing without the purpose of selling something. No hashtags, no pleasing of sponsors. No SEO to figure out. I miss how I always remembered things I did because I took the time to write it down with intention. I miss taking photos and having an online album. I miss constant, casual creation. Where I’m not fighting an ever-changing algorithm for attention. Where the number of likes or views doesn’t affect my self worth. Having a direct line from my thoughts to an audience — even if it’s just one person who accidentally stumbled on the page.
And then when I take a break to mindlessly scroll on social media, I hate how other platforms make me feel like I’m fighting the people I follow for views and likes. That I’m somehow less of myself because my content is not as… shareable? interesting? algorithm-worry?
I miss oversharing and not worrying about who is reading because it’s their decision to visit the blog. Every day for the last few years, I’ve wanted to share a thought, something I watched, something I read. How I feel. And then I don’t because of the following:
I worry about flooding your inbox or your feed.
I worry about trolls and negative comments.
I worry you’ll unfollow or unsubscribe.
I worry I’ll be ignored.
I worry about pleasing or entertaining the audience, instead of myself.
These things have all happened, and no matter how many times it does, I always think I’ll become tougher, more calloused. And yet, it stings. I hate that it does. Sometimes only for like a day, sometimes fourteen. I always survive. I always move on. But still, it makes me weary of sharing more. Sometimes it makes me want to delete everything, and then I wonder, what will I have left?
I miss having my own space on the internet. And then I realized, I do have a space. It’s right here.
So I’m going to try this again. Let’s see if I actually feel like doing this regularly, like my heart suspects. I’ll be leaving comments off and I won’t be announcing that I’m doing this.
But I’m keeping it public because I’ve done enough hiding.