Three Looks

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LOOK 1 - DINNER WITH FRIENDS

We picked up takeout at Cafe Gratitude for dinner at a friends’ new home. They were the only ones who got to see my pink hair in person, other than my husband Abe and my hairdresser!

Bikini Kill T-Shirt, Gap Jeans, Charlotte Stone “Hari” Clogs (similar)

LOOK 2 - WEDDING IN DOWNTOWN LA

Abe and I went to our first lesbian wedding! The invite said to wear something fun, that you could dance in. I felt like this floral print and flat sandal combo accomplished just that.

Farm Rio Star Fruits Dress (similar here, here, and here), Nisolo Sandals (discontinued, similar here and here)

LOOK 3 - RUNNING ERRANDS IN THE HEAT

We had a major heat wave last week, where all I wore was tank tops and shorts. Now it’s “cooled down” to the 80’s, and my go-to uniform for that temperature is thin leggings and one of Abe’s old, oversized T-shirts. I love dressing in all black and then adding a pop of color somewhere — usually either my bag or my shoes.

Vintage Tribe Called Quest T-Shirt, Black Leggings, Birdies Sneakers

48 Hours with Pink Hair

I’ve always wanted bright, colorful hair. When I was a kid, Madonna was just beginning to gain popularity and everyone wanted to be a “punk” for Halloween. I didn’t know what that meant. Mainly it was an excuse to wear a lot of makeup, and a lot of jewelry to school. I was always jealous of all the blonde kids who could apply neon colored spray to their heads, completing the look. The stuff never took to my own black hair.

But now, I’ve got blonde streaks of my own. I worked really hard for them. And it’s been a while since I’ve been in front of a camera. I’ve been really frustrated about that, so I decided on a whim Tuesday afternoon, while in my hairdresser Marissa’s chair getting my highlights redone, to just do it.

I asked for something non-permanent, which would wash out but still allow me to enjoy feeling like a magical fairy, or a unicorn. For at least a few weeks, I thought. But no. A mere hour later, I had an audition, for a role where I was specifically being requested. That shoots next week! AND PINK HAIR IS NOT OKAY.

There is a joke amongst actors that if you really want to book a job, book a trip. I haven’t found this to be the case for myself in the last few decades. But I do think there is a reason why it is so appealing. One has such little control in this industry, that we try to take control where we can. And then the universe laughs at us: “YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION!”

Immediately, I began washing my hair. But of course, everything I own is color-safe. So it barely began to fade. I wondered if I could use something stronger to wash it out, but Marissa worried that it would also remove my the toner as well, completely messing up my highlights and color underneath.

So, I went back to the salon so she could work her magic. She got all of it out, but it did take time and of course, it cost money. I got to enjoy my pink hair for about 48 hours. Here’s to the memories!

I still don’t know if I booked the job. But just in case I do have to hop on a plane in a matter of days, me and my hair will be ready.

It was an expensive and time-consuming mistake, but I did realize this — after all these years, I’m still so committed to my career. I will sacrifice so much, do things that make zero sense, all for just the possibility of an opportunity. I know this sounds dysfunctional. But that’s what I do.

I Miss My Blog

I write almost every single day. But it’s always work, or rather, the promise of work. Scripts. Stories. Pitches. Getting notes. Improving. Always the need for improvement. Always proving. Competing.

I’m going to try something. I’m going to start blogging again. I miss my blog that I had for over a decade. I miss writing without the purpose of selling something. No hashtags, no pleasing of sponsors. No SEO to figure out. I miss how I always remembered things I did because I took the time to write it down with intention. I miss taking photos and having an online album. I miss constant, casual creation. Where I’m not fighting an ever-changing algorithm for attention.  Where the number of likes or views doesn’t affect my self worth. Having a direct line from my thoughts to an audience — even if it’s just one person who accidentally stumbled on the page.

And then when I take a break to mindlessly scroll on social media, I hate how other platforms make me feel like I’m fighting the people I follow for views and likes. That I’m somehow less of myself because my content is not as… shareable? interesting? algorithm-worry?

I miss oversharing and not worrying about who is reading because it’s their decision to visit the blog. Every day for the last few years, I’ve wanted to share a thought, something I watched, something I read. How I feel. And then I don’t because of the following:

1. I worry about flooding your inbox or your feed.

2. I worry about trolls and negative comments.

3. I worry you’ll unfollow or unsubscribe.

4. I worry I’ll be ignored.

5. I worry about pleasing or entertaining the audience, instead of myself.

These things have all happened, and no matter how many times it does, I always think I’ll become tougher, more calloused. And yet, it stings. I hate that it does. Sometimes only for like a day, sometimes fourteen. I always survive. I always move on. But still, it makes me weary of sharing more. Sometimes it makes me want to delete everything, and then I wonder, what will I have left?

I miss having my own space on the internet. And then I realized, I do have a space. It’s right here.

So I’m going to try this again. Let’s see if I actually feel like doing this regularly, like my heart suspects. I’ll be leaving comments off and I won’t be announcing that I’m doing this.

But I’m keeping it public because I’ve done enough hiding.

2020 Recap

I can’t believe this is how I began 2020 - at the Philadelphia airport, in a tiny booth sponsored by Mastercard, trying to catch a golden ticket in an attempt to win an iPad.

I did not win one, but my view of the upcoming year was really optimistic. I knew that I Will Make You Mine had been accepted to SXSW, and while I eagerly awaited to make that announcement public, we went to my favorite place in the world.

By the end of January, I was flying high as I acted alongside Pooya Mohseni in See You Then, Mari Walker’s feature film directorial debut. I worked hard to book this role.

As evidenced by all the face touching, we obviously had no idea the world was about to change so soon… filming was challenging (mostly nights and very cold - even for LA).

Soon after, I was getting ready to start my own festival run for I Will Make You Mine. I took the plunge and balayage-d my hair (as I wrote about in this cupcakes & cashmere article) to get ready. As I was packing for Austin, Cleveland, and San Francisco, we got the news about SXSW getting cancelled. It happened the same day that my last film, Go Back to China, was released in theaters.

(Looking back, it probably wasn’t the wisest decision to be in a sold-out movie theater, un-masked, handing out tiny stuffed sloths to everyone in attendance….)

Soon after, Los Angeles shut down, and I began promoting I Will Make You Mine’s release virtually, conducting all our press and film festival screenings from home.

I am still shocked by the critical response we received (a 100% Rotten Tomato rating!) and am thrilled the movie is now widely available to stream - including for free on Amazon Prime. I’m also proud that I finished so many puzzles that month!

But soon after, my puzzle craze phased out. This is when things began feeling like Groundhog Day, which is kinda where it’s been for the last six months.

Miles Chenwald has been the bright shining light through all of this. I know that if we hadn’t been quarantined, we would not have adopted him…

… and I truly cannot imagine life without our furry best friend.

I have done more volunteering, donating, and political work in 2020 than I have probably in the last decade. From Voting PSA’s to Fundraisers and good old fashioned post carding, it felt really good to help others and stand up for what I believe in.

And I’m so grateful that Abe and I have stayed employed, so that we can give in a time when so many businesses are suffering.

This year has been about really getting to know myself and how I choose to respond to chaos, disappointment, and total heartbreak. Some days are a lot more challenging than others, but through it all I have held what matters to me most tight. When I look back at 2020 I know I’ll remember glimpses of me lying on the couch with Miles and eating savory microwave oatmeal, or writing writing writing (a TV pilot, a feature film, and a bunch of essays) and procrastinating procrastinating procrastinating (binge watching Schitt’s Creek, Grand Designs, The Crown, or playing Dr. Mario World/Animal Crossing) or catching up with family and friends who are around the world, going through the exact same thing - trying to make our time on this earth as meaningful as possible through all of this madness.

Miles Chenwald

It’s been a little over a year since we lost Julius, and the quarantine has really made us miss him even more. I’d been applying to foster and adopt from rescues since March, but the competition was really crazy. We weren’t the only ones who wanted a furry friend to hole up with.

Then about a month ago I saw this photo above on MaeDay Rescue’s Instagram. He wasn’t even available for adoption yet, but somehow I knew in my heart this dog was ours. I immediately started DM’ing both the organization and his foster. And as you can see, persistence paid off.

We are so thrilled to welcome Miles Chenwald to our family. It’s been so long since I’ve had to train a dog, I forgot how much work it is - but also how rewarding.

We’ve already taken him on a little vacation too! My first official one in years; I’ve been working non-stop on I Will Make You Mine since 2017. Now my new job is dog trainer (thanks to Kaelin Munkelwitz’s YouTube channel) and photographer (Miles has his own IG page of course).

My Movie Comes Out Today

Today I Will Make You Mine is being released digitally and on DVD, and although I wish it was on a big screen and in person, I still feel there is some really good energy in the air. It’s such a bittersweet time, obviously because of everything going on in the world right now, but also because it means I am finally letting go of what has been - essentially - my baby for almost the last three years.

Now there’s nothing I can really do as a director anymore to control how the world receives it. Some will love it, some will hate it, some just won’t care. And I am going to do my best not to take any of it personally, the good or the bad. All I know is what I created was a direct extension of myself, and my heart, and I put it out there. I’m grateful it’s out there to watch, to soothe, to stir up emotions, and even to judge or misunderstand. It will never be as important to anybody else as it has been to me, so I accept it.

That said, I’m sure these feelings aren’t going to be easy. But I welcome them.

Here she is. Here is my heart.

The Quarantine Diet

So here we are. I am one of the privileged ones, working from home all day feeling safe and feeling healthy. I feel lucky and grateful but each day still has to be taken one moment at a time. In the last few weeks, I have found that whenever I begin to panic, or sink into uncomfortable sadness, it’s usually because I’ve spent too much time online digesting other people’s experiences/opinions (hard not to do these days since every thing involves a screen it seems) or have given myself too much (or too little) structure.

For many years I wrote down pretty much everything I ate and everything I did, to help me get through my eating disorder, which was really a manifestation of my depression, anxiety, and need to control. Even though I haven’t kept track of my diet and schedule for a long time, I’m still a rather regimented person whenever the shit hits the fan.

When I think about it, I’m pretty much doing the same thing every single day, and it’s bringing me immense comfort. Reliability, combined with flexibility, is the key to getting through all of this. Here’s what things look like right now.

WEEKDAYS

• 7:30am - Our alarm goes off. As much as we’ve tried, we are not people who keep our phones out of the bedroom. Surprisingly, I’ve been sleeping amazingly through all of this. I scroll through social media, journal my thoughts in a notebook, then get out of bed (and make it).

• 8:00am - Wash my face with water, and apply some First Aid Beauty Cream. For the last year I’ve had a 10-step process involving serums, oils, masks, gua-sha…but a few weeks ago I began to break out around my chin/mouth. Since I couldn’t see a doctor I did a self-diagnosis and assumed I had everything from fungal to hormonal acne to perioral dermatitis. I am still not quite sure what I had (probably just stress), but simplifying my skincare to just two steps has cleared everything up. Then I brush my hair a bunch of times like Marcia Brady and that is it for my beauty routine, unless I have an audition or meeting that I have to wear makeup for.

• 8:15am - Breakfast. Since I can’t get my beloved melon on a regular basis, I’ve been eating SO MUCH OATMEAL. This is how I make it. This is also the time where I change from my pajamas into my unofficial “Safer at Home” uniform: a T-shirt and sweatpants. Some days I’ll get really ambitious and wear jeans, but if I do, they’ll always have some stretch to them.

• 9:00am - Put my mask on and take a walk. I’ll try to call somebody to talk to, but if nobody picks up I’ll listen to an uplifting podcast which centers around what we’re going through right now. Women Against Negative Talk and Spiraling have been helping a lot - both of which are hosted by my friends, and it’s soothing for me to hear their voices. Brene Brown also has a new one that I’m excited about.

• 10:00am - 6:00pm: Work. For the last year I’ve been a member of The Jane Club, a co-working space for women and mothers. Since we’ve been quarantined, they’ve moved their programming online digitally and now offer a $125/month membership to anyone, anywhere. (If you use the code INSIDERJANE and mention my name you’ll get $25 off too!) Aside from twice daily check-ins, they also hold daily meditation with Shawnta Valdes (the only person who’s gotten me to sit still for 20 minutes the last 365 days) and workshops that have really helped me feel connected to a community and learn new skills. When I’m not on Zoom with all of them, I’m working on I Will Make You Mine (my directorial debut which sadly had to cancel its SXSW World Premiere, but will be available on cable on demand, DVD, and VOD May 26th - you can preorder it now and I’ll send you a postcard). Also, during this time I’ll eat at least two more bowls of oatmeal (or two energy bars) and whatever fresh fruit or vegetables we happen to have in the house. Before lunch, I’ll try to clean at least one small part of the house, and take a second walk, too.

• 6:00pm: Dinner. It’s nice that Abe and I actually get to have this meal together now that he doesn’t have to stay at work until 7 or 8. He is still a producer on the Netflix series Big Mouth and it’s been fun to hear all the laughter from working on an animated comedy series behind our office door. I’ve been making variations on this chili or this stew, or just a random salad I’ve thrown together. This is also when I’ll shower and change back into my pajamas (at night I’ve been washing face with raw honey, as my friend Lily Diamond taught me to do, and follow that up with the same AM moisturizer).

• 7:00pm - 11:00pm: Evening activity. This could be a TV show, a movie, a video game, a puzzle, or a Zoom call with friends - separately or together. We will make popcorn and snack on frozen grapes or mangoes and I always end the day with a cup of miso soup and kimchi. We’ve been reconnecting with a lot of people we’ve lost touch with, which has been the silver lining in all of this.

WEEKENDS

Sometimes Abe and I have still had to work on the weekends, but we make it a point to try to separate our Saturday and Sundays from the weekdays. He’ll go for a long bike ride or a run, and I’ll try to tackle organizing some part of the house. This is also when I’ll meal prep - make a batch of rice, veggies, beans, and stock for the week - and also read, write, and focus on some area of self improvement. But honestly, some days I’m pretty burnt out and will just play Dr. Mario on my phone while watching YouTube videos (so soothing because you’re destroying viruses and listening to nonsense). I’ll do all the self grooming - shaving, tweezing, manicures and pedicures…I even gave Abe a haircut. I’ve been playing piano and listening to records. This is also when we will venture out, mask/glove up, and get our grocery shopping done (which now takes hours, as I’m sure you’re aware). I just signed up for a fruit/veggie delivery (use referral code LYNN7198 if you wanna try too and get a discount) so if that works out well we will keep doing that. Maybe we will do a little drive around our area while we’re in the car. But honestly, being out in the “real world” is stressful for us (there are sirens all the time and people are driving like maniacs in the empty streets) and I feel like it’s our job to stay home if we can.

So that’s it. I am sharing not to say that anyone else should be doing any of this, but that this is what has been helpful for me. I’ve been really conscious about eliminating guilt and shame from my vocabulary in general, but these days it’s especially important to watch what thoughts I’m thinking and consuming. Yes I’m pissed at how things are and yes I’m worried about the future. And yes I’ve gained weight. I’ve certainly been on the side of things where I’ve allowed myself to settle deep into the sanctuary of predictable despair, and I believe there is a place for that - at least several hours a week. But for the most part, I’ve worked too long and too hard to allow myself to step into that hole again, though I’ve certainly stood on the edge looking in. Hopefully the next time I write here, this new normal will be old news…and we’ll all be on the other side of this. Stay safe.

Star Wars: Galaxy Edge

Thanks to Disney’s media passes, I try to visit the park at least once a year. I can’t believe there is an entire new land to explore!

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Abe and I visited Star Wars: Galaxy Edge at the beginning of January, before the newest ride, Rise of the Resistance opened. But we still had an incredible time exploring the world, as you can see from our pics and video below!

I can’t wait to go back and try building my own droid!